It was year 2009 month of February when I started my first blog. I was totally into writing at that time and less of an internet savvy person. Still it was quite amusing and dissapointing at the same time. To realize that I would have been one of those few who were blogging at that period and dissapointed because I lacked the consistency and passion to work it out.
But life is life, and we cannot undo the mistakes we are so fully aware that we are doing in the past. At some point, I knew that I was procrastinating and was being wasteful of so many resources most valuable of them all: time. Looking back I do have a lot of regrets. Most of them for things I have not accomplished. And as I look at the highs and lows of my life and the many moments of which I felt much happiness and utter sadness are during those times when I took risks. Stepped out of my comfort zone, let go of perfection and just gave it my all. Ironically, those are the moments of zero-regrets.
I am writing this blog from a place where my heart is at a very low point. And I never thought that it could still get lower to this... For quite awhile it was already torn and crushed and apparently it was not yet the breaking point. My grandmother's health declining, my sister being diagnosed of brain tumor, the passing of a dear friend, the cheating of the partner, the discontentment in my career, betrayal of friends, the financial liabilities, relationship breakup, and the obvious decline of my overall health.
In the past, when I have problems I was surrounded with friends to whom I can vent out and they were always there ready to listen and give support and still I know they are there, but this time I tried to hold everything inside of me and suppress the pain and tried to deny all the misfortunes I have believed have befallen me.
I am angry.
I am so angry and at the same time I am tired and weary. At a moment I look at life not knowing where am I supposed to go. What am I supposed to do? I look at life and see people of all sorts... Successful people, achievers, good-looking people and of those who appear nonchalant of what is going on around them. Content and taking life in slow moderate pace. I envy them. It seems like my life is the only life not falling into place.
That is a lie. Total bullsh*t.
I know for a fact that that is a complete lie. An ungrateful groaning because I am far too blessed to say those things. Far too blessed. Yeah, like let's get real. There is no need to compare with others who are in a far more difficult situation than I am. Everyone lives a f*cking messy life and that I guess boils down to how we just handle the plate served us.
Life is a mess, or life could be messy. Like the waves crashing at the shores you will never know how big or subtle they can be. But that doesn't takes away the loveliness of frolicking at the bay, wading in the waters or just by simply walking along or sitting by the beach. And similarly with life we will never know what is in store for us but that should not prohibit us from going to the beach thinking it might be dangerous. Yet, knowing that fact as well it would be wise to stay vigilant understanding when it is safe to hit the waters.
With so many regrets that I have at the moment, choosing to dwell on them would be an utter waste of energy; but to forget and brush them aside not picking up the lessons those experiences have taught me is foolishness at its best.
Maybe today is not yet too late. To scrape out the ugly and pick up the gems of wisdom hidden amongst the debris. Life indeed has an end. While walking towards the end, it still is though a daily dose of fresh energy, a gift of unending possibilities. Life is a myriad of choices awaiting to be make.
Yesterday is of the old. Today is your life, take it.
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